Letting myself go

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” 
― Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

I don’t know why but I always had problem making friends. Was it because I am too boring, can’t crack jokes or was it something else? I longed for an answer and at the same time envied people who were popular among everyone. I longed to be like them. I wanted to be the live of the party but then at the same time I disliked having too many people around me for no reason. I cursed myself because I didn't think and didn't act like my class mates. I eat clumsily in public and I am okay with it. But I try to eat like every other girl. Why should I have different opinion than what is circulated in the mainstream media? Can’t I just be like everyone else who loves selfies and KFCs? Why should I continue feeling guilty about the things I did long back? Why do I alienate myself from others by giving curt replies? All these used to sit in my shoulders making me feel out of place. Not anymore.
It took just one visit to a waterfall to reduce my imaginary problems into ashes. I feel free. I don’t have to pretend or poke myself every now and then. I will be the way I am. For seven years, I tried to change myself with little success.
I had made up my mind, if people dislike me for how I am let it be. I am tired and exhausted. This freedom had a very positive side effect. I was now more open towards people. I began clicking selfies when eating which I thought I could never do. I started building relationship which seemed useless till that day.   I don’t feel guilty any more. I accepted it is life and that’s how life is. I may not join in some activities but that doesn't mean I am uncomfortable with it. Now, I don’t have the tendency to attach myself with a guy.
A little distance makes everything clearer. Now, I am 3000 kilometres away from home. Letting myself go actually made me free. The song “let it go” now makes so much sense.
I am now more aware of myself. I can handle nicely my positive and negative elements. Not every change is good. Brooding over the negative elements is useless. It is time to live.


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